As I write this, it is the last day of the year, and my heart is heavy. I found out that one of my friends—someone I was interested in—got married.

To give you some background, I told her I was interested in a relationship, and as I expected, I was put in the ever-dreaded friend zone. Of course, it hurts to be in the friend zone, but I care about this person. Once again, I found myself there.

This girl I was interested in would text me because she needed help with something, and I would always do my best to help because I care for her. I tried my best to do everything I could for my friend, and I think she appreciated that about me.

I remember she once said to me in a text, “You will always have my friendship.” That hurt me, but at the same time, it made me feel good. It hurt because I knew she was shutting the door on any type of romantic relationship, but at the same time, I think she truly appreciated my friendship.

Now, this girl has what I like to call “hot girl syndrome,” meaning—to me, anyway—that at any time she could pick up a guy in the blink of an eye. Yes, she is that beautiful. That’s the risk you take when you’re friends with an attractive person.

I’m writing this for people like myself who are perpetually in the friend zone. Being in the friend zone is always a risk, especially with an attractive person, because you know that at any time they could find someone else and leave you heartbroken. Even though you knowthere’s no hope of a relationship, in the back of your mind you still think, maybe there’s hope. Maybe they’ll see what kind of person I am and what I have to offer.

In some cases, that happens—but in my case, it hasn’t. It always ends in heartbreak.

Which brings me to this past Sunday. By the time you read this, it will probably be a week ago. I saw the girl I’m interested in with another guy. Now remember what I told you about hot girl syndrome—should I be surprised she was with another guy? No.

This girl and I share the same religious beliefs, so I see her all the time. I saw her holding hands with another guy. Of course, I was frustrated, because I want to be the one holding her hand. I want to be that guy. But I thought, OK, he’ll probably be gone in a week.

After our meeting, as I was exiting, the moment I had been dreading—and trying to avoid—came. I don’t remember making eye contact with him, but I probably did because, deep down, I wanted to scout this guy to see what kind of person he was.

I heard, “Hi, how are you?”

Oh great, he saw me, I thought.

I replied, “Good. How are you?”

Now, here’s my inner monologue. He says, “Hi, how are you?” and I’m thinking, Horrible. Why don’t you go back where you came from and leave my girl alone?

I asked him what he does for work—translation: Let’s see if you’re good enough for my girl. I don’t remember what he said. He could have said he was a doctor or a lawyer, and it wouldn’t have been good enough anyway.

Another person came up and interrupted our conversation, and I was thinking, Thank God.Don’t ask me why I stayed in the group he was in, but this person asked him, “Who are you here with?”

He replied, “I’m here with my wife.”

I was in shock. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. He probably saw the look on my face. I was probably stuttering—I don’t know—but I managed to say, “Congratulations.”

It’s been a few days since then, and I’m still in shock.

On top of all this, I can’t communicate with my friend now that she’s married. One reason is that if I found out she was being mistreated, I’d want to kick some—you know what. I’ve made that mistake before. I once confronted one of my friend’s husbands who wasn’t treating her very well. Let’s just say it didn’t end well.

After I found out she was married, I sent her a text. It said something like this:

“Just heard you got married. I am deleting your number. May God bless your marriage.”

That was it.

Hopefully, I won’t see her for a while, because I need time to process this.

I’m writing this so that hopefully someone can learn from me. Can someone be friends with someone they like or are interested in? Perhaps. And if that’s you, more power to you—you’re a stronger person than me.

But to the person who thinks, “I can do it. I can just be friends,” beware. Heartbreak may be in your future. Because if you really like that person, in the back of your mind you’re always thinking, Maybe they’ll finally see what kind of person I am and what I bring to the table.

Be aware—that day may never come. Worse, you might find out one day, without warning, that they’re married.

I have always wanted to be in a relationship, from the time I was a little kid. I am now knocking on the door of 40. I’ll be 39 in a few months.

I made a deal with myself: if I’m still single at 60, I will retire from trying to find someone. I know there are people in their 60s and older who get married, but if I reach 60 with no prospect of marriage or dating, I will be single for the rest of my days.

I am running from this loneliness. Some days I feel like I’m going to be OK if I don’t find anyone. Other days, I feel this big, dark cloud of loneliness gaining on me and gaining on me. Will I be consumed by this loneliness? Will it eat me alive?

Stay tuned. I don’t know the answer to that question.

I do know that I’m blessed with good friends and family. They care about me very much, and I appreciate their support. I’m thankful that I have this outlet—writing—to express my thoughts. Even if no one reads this, it’s OK. It helps me, and that’s what matters.

And if this helps somebody else along the way, that’s even better.

Until next month, my friends—never give up.

Live long and prosper 🖖